Confessions of one Lily Potter
by Minja
Summary: Lily has a deep secret in her past that she must tell Harry. If a letter is the only way...so be it.....


Yea! Time to mess with Harry's mind, eh?   
  
Summary: A Letter Lily writes to Harry.....  
  
Warnings: I'm breaking apart one super-couple 'James and Lily', and altering a timeline. I'm sorry! Don't send me to Azkaban! I swear I didn't put miracle grow on the skrewts, I swear it!...hehe. Sorry, too much sugar...  
  
_~_~_```````  
  
Harry..my darling Harry Ebony....  
  
First off....I didn't mean to love him..I honestly didn't.....  
  
James and I...well, all through our childhood, it was 'James and Lily' this, and 'Lily and James' that. All our lives, it seemed, we were together. I can't even remember when we first met. It was oh-so-long ago, or so it seems. We've been together forever.  
  
Together, always together. In our time before Hogwarts, it seemed to most that there was an invisible string attaching the two of us. It was as if we were twins, or worse, much worse, some horrific child whose name was 'James and Lily'. Some fast moving little blur of a child with my eyes and James's hair, that answered with two voices anytime someone called for it....  
  
And of course, once we grew...we could not be simply 'James and Lily'...we had another one. Sirius.  
  
Oh god, if only you knew...if only you knew..  
  
Of course, James had other friends....Remus, a kind fellow I didn't know much, and that Peter. I didn't know him much either. However...Sirius was more your father's twin than I was, which was saying quite a lot.  
  
And so, when we first arrived at Hogwarts, there was the infamous 'James and Lily' blur and a new one, Sirius. No, they didn't start calling us 'James, Lily, and Sirius'. I soon became simply Lily. We were officially 'Potter, Black and..Her.'.  
  
Son, I must tell you, I was always 'her'. I am not sure why, but I was. I suppose Lily was two syllables more than people wished to say, but nevertheless, I was 'her', most of the time. Or 'she'. As in..  
  
"Is SHE coming?"  
  
This was, Harry dear, normally when Sirius and your father were sneaking out to do some trouble-making. Of course, it was Sirius who yelled that. However..he never meant it.   
  
He told me he never meant it...  
  
I'm sorry, I must continue.  
  
Well, we grew older. James and I...we dated, naturally. I..did get pretty, some might have said, about our fourth year, but I will not bore you with descriptions and recollections. I certainly know I would never wish to think about when my father first became attractive, and I doubt you will either. However, I did, and we did, James and I, date.  
  
It was the natural thing, of course, and expected. I mean, James was sweet and dear..I loved him dearly. But I was never in love with him, I can see that now. I suppose that in itself makes...  
  
No. Let me finish, do not judge your mother, please!  
  
Sirius...he grew more attractive as well...I don't know...something about him, the fact I knew I was dating James..he was James's best friend...what was I to do?!  
  
Ignore my feelings, I know. Ignore how I felt. Not notice how James was still the same boy I placed cheering charms on, the one I helped with girlfriend troubles (over girls which came long before I did), the one who cried on my shoulder all during the first week at Hogwarts, crying for his mother. Not see how much I knew about James..that there was nothing left to learn about him. I was never suppose to look into Sirius's eyes and see the love there, the love he held for me.  
  
I don't know what happened. There had been another fantastic Quiddich match, James playing brilliantly. He won, you know? Made the winning flight. I was in the stands with Sirius, both him and Remus, who was sitting a little ways away. If I remember right..it had been a heavy homework weekend..I had helped Sirius finish his parchment for Transfiguration. Remus had waited around..we had arrived late for the match, getting the emptied bottom seats.   
  
James, the team, they had won, and after a lap of victory, they had gone to the dressing rooms to change. The crowd had been cheering, I was yelling as loud as any one of them, and I suddenly noticed a glance between him and Remus before..Sirius kissed me.  
  
It was not a long kiss, just a peck really. Then, out of the blue, James comes running at me, lifting me into the air, twirling me, kissing me, and hugging me in his excitement. I was speechless...not about James, but about Sirius. Suddenly, my knees weakened. Had James seen the kiss? Would he yell in a minute? Decapitate Sirius...  
  
No, he just hugged Sirius, in that gruff manner in which men hug, the punching and slapping. The two going over the entire match in a breath. Sirius not acting for the world he had just been kissing his best friend's girlfriend.  
  
Remus had given James a quick congratulations before beginning to walk from the bleachers..I bid James a hasty goodbye and ran up to meet Remus. For a while he wouldn't look at me. Then he began to tell me how Sirius had loved me for a long time, and to not be hasty. I had never seen such emotion pouring from Remus. Then he looked me straight in the eyes and told me not to juggle their hearts, lest I dropped one. Remus then left, in a swirl of his robes.  
  
I was so confused...I didn't know what to do...Sirius never acted like a thing happened..so I did not either. I only occasionally thought about it. And James was so quick to dote on me, to take all my spare time, that I did not have time to dwell.  
  
Now, I am not saying I did not like James's love and affections. I just felt..dirty, perhaps. It felt wrong..I soon began to understand what Remus had meant...I still was juggling Sirius's heart by not letting go of it. And what was worse, I could not stop it, I did not know how to stop it. And so I kept juggling.  
  
James proposed to me after graduation..or more at graduation. I did not know what to do. Sirius had looked at me, pleading me not too....but I was still juggling, I could not say no, not say yes...  
  
Suddenly, I was angry. Angry for Sirius making me face feelings I wanted to have hidden forever. I tore my gaze from him, and told James yes..I sealed my own death warrant.  
  
We were married fairly soon after graduation. I made sure James kept moving the date forward, lest I change my mind. I had a beautiful wedding gown, as I'm sure pictures can show. Sirius..James asked him to be the best man..  
  
Oh god, I cried when I heard. I couldn't help it. I tried to get James to change his mind, but he was more adamant than ever. Sirius was there, on the alter as I sold my soul to James while staring at him even as I recited my vows. I never dropped eyes from Sirius. I suppose one could say I married myself to Sirius, although he never married himself to me.  
  
I was a married woman for one year..one year of sheer...comfort, about all. Mental comfort. Shortly after the wedding, Sirius disappeared form our lives. James missed his 'twin' something terrible, and mentioned him occasionally. But as long as I did not see him, I was all right.  
  
One day...James had to be gone for a month on business. I had been alone for about two weeks now, two to go. I was dusting around the..vase in the den? Yes..that old vase...when the chimes rang. I went to the door cautiously, and opened it. Sirius stood there.  
  
He claimed to have come to see James, and I still wonder if that was the reason today. But for whatever reason..I let him in, gave him a cup of tea, as it was cold. The fire was warm, and although James was not home...he stayed to chat, at least till it stopped raining a bit. He told me about his new work, I told him some things about the house..and....he kissed me again.  
  
At first, I wanted to tell him to leave, get out....but...  
  
I loved him. I still love him. As I look at you..I see him...  
  
The kisses went to more..we slept together.  
I felt odd in the next few days...the day before James came home...I was pregnant, Harry.   
When James had left, I was not pregnant. We had been wanting a child...and when James came back, I was....  
  
I did not tell James. I did not want to tell Sirius, but I had to. I met him on a dark corner of Diagon Alley. Hes simply stood there..Then we both parted ways.  
  
James found out soon. He did not know any different...I was pregnant, he my husband. Harry was his, naturally. He called you Harry from the very beginning. Had some distant cousin named Harry, and Harry you were.   
  
I called you Harry Ebony, more a nickname after you were born, because of your father. Harry Ebony Potter. Of course, the Ebony was never official. Your father heard me call you Harry Ebony a few times, but he figured it was because of that jet black fuzz you had on your head.  
  
We named Sirius, your real father Godfather to you. Sirius thanked me.   
  
I am so sorry, Harry.  
  
I didn't mean to love him.....I honestly didn't.....  
  
Forgive me.  
  
Sincerely,  
Lily Potter  
  
  
_~_~_``````  
  
"No, please, no! Not Harry!"  
  
As the green light blasted the life from the young woman, a letter fluttered out of her grasp. The small, tightly folded piece of parchment landed softly on a piece of dry floorboard, which was licked at by the surrounding flames. As the Dark lord fell, the letter perished along with him, burnt into ashes...  
  



End file.
